Remembering Rammstein

Once in a great while these people we call Germans come to America to blow things up and spread their fascist derision to the masses. On May 15th, 2011 Germans came to the Seattle area in the form of Rammstein. After WWII Germany was cast underground only to thrive as a subterranean culture, hellbent on steel works, mining, petroleum disposal, and nuclear waste burning. Rammstein is a musical expression of this dwarven-like culture that has been tricked into appearing onstage for Americans to show us the vast dangers of fucking with people like Patton, Eisenhower, and Churchill.

Now that you have some background on Rammstein, let me tell you more about this cultural exercise. First off it was loud. When the musical genre of heavy metal is blended with overtly aggressive males whom have been fed heavy metals throughout their lives it tends to make a biped that expresses a rowdy plethora of sounds. The orchestral quality was magnificent, which means Brahms' genes are still in the German pool.

Sadly, it would some seem other personalities are swimming in the gene pool in Germany. I won't utter the name, but at one point one of the band members, whom most likely had gypsy blood coursing through his veins, was beat then thrown into a metal bathtub. The lead singer then stood on a platform 500 feet in the air above the stage with a metal milk jug in his hands. The milk jug contained a mixture of napalm and magnesium sulphate, which was poured into the bathtub resulting in massive explosions and the extermination of the gypsy band member.

Fire in general was theme of Rammstein's lesson. Whether it be a flamethrower shaped like a grenade launcher, a gas pump, a flame spewing crossbow, or angel wings made of fire; it is evident  that these men know how to dispose of fuels in a creative fashion. In fact the climax of the concert involved a theological lesson on German folklore, which is directly affected by fire. Now it is hard to discern, but after the German soul leaves the body it must be taken before an angel in a leather lederhosen with wings made of steel (which spouts flames and tiny explosions). If the soul is not engulfed in flames then it was not German enough for Das Flamen Angel. Das Flamen Angel then destroys the soul with a spiritual fog and green laser beams. Insightful.

 

Another interesting aspect of German culture is their means of population control. The caves of Germany can only hold so many people, so there is a lottery (not the good kind) at birth. Those whom are chosen are disposed of much like the Spartan culture. Germans being a people of brute science and reason don't just put the babies in a jar on a cliff to die from the sun, they implant laser beams to their eyes and hang them from a crane, which then randomly blows them up like tiny Timmy and Susie grenades. NatGeo really needs to get footage of this for their Taboo series.

All in all Rammstein was a mind-blowing experience, not just in sound, but also cultural awareness. If you love heavy metal like me, then they are a must see, because nothing is more metal than cave dwelling steelworkers with nuclear poisoning.